Let Me Fly Away
I am worthless
I am a burden to family and most friends
I can count on two hands
The number of people outside of church who feel otherwise
That number is 6
The number of people in church who feel otherwise
That number is 8.
No matter what I say, I am thought of as a liar
No matter what I try to do, I am considered lazy
No matter what I do, I am selfish
No matter how I feel, I make people miserable.
Try as I might, it’s never good enough
I can never do anything right
If I say I love you, I appreciate you it’s not enough.
They don’t understand my limitations
And they don’t care to understand them
Because I do not matter
I do not count
I am a chore that must be taken care of
I am a rope around their neck.
I can count on one hand
The number of times I’ve been complemented in the past year outside of church
That number is 3.
The number of times I’ve complemented people
In the past year in and out of church
That number is in the hundreds
I am financially broke, but if asked for money to help someone out
I will give them what I have even if I can’t make ends meet.
Yes, I am depressed
Yes, I am suffering from anxiety
Yes, I am lost
Yes, I feel hopeless
Yes, I am undeserving.
I look at the sand and I’m not sure
I see any footprints carrying Me across troubled waters
Where is the bridge to carry me over the waters
It is nowhere, for I do not matter.
I am unlikable
I am unlovable
I do not deserve joy
I do not deserve love.
I deserve to live in this prison that is my home
I deserve to live in the prison cell that is my body
I deserve to die.
I only ask when I pass from this misery called life
That someone takes pity and burns me until
I am nothing more than ashes
No fancy service
No fancy casket or run
Just a simple cardboard box.
Let my ashes fly in the wind
In that one way I will finally be free of this life
I’m this one way I will finally be free of me.
But that will not happen because
No one cares enough about me to do that one request
Instead I will be buried and dumped
Into a cemetery plot
To continue on in another hell.
Copyright 2019 (c) Mari Hirschmann
All rights reserved.
Let Me Fly Away